Now what?

How does one, who loves to write, go from January to the end of June without writing? How does one who went deep into her being to find the courage to create a blog suddenly just quit? How does one who feels so passionately about so many issues just simply quit writing...I mean, all together, quit writing...not just a blog but everything...every single thing...email responses...facebook comments...journals....daily updates, etc.? Friends ask me, are you not doing your blog anymore? I say...not now, I'm just taking a break. I ask myself...why are you not writing something...anything??? I don't know how to answer...even myself. Yes, I'm a procrastinator and yes, I get occupied with way too many things which, essentially, makes it very difficult for me to focus on any one particular issue. But, what kind of excuse is that? That's been the story of my life for, well...my whole life. I'm in the middle of clearing out stuff and some of the stuff is really, really difficult to let go. Like my books. I could fill a medium sized library with books and parting with them is like parting with an essential part of me. But, I realize that, if I am to go forward and connect with the me that seems to need a break from stuff...the me who needs to create a space which allows me to simply breathe, I need to let go. So, I'm in the process of letting go and this is, essentially, a grieving process. The key seems to be that as I grieve, I also feel an opening, a light, so to speak, which bring promise of a clearer tomorrow...maybe, if I'm lucky, many clearer tomorrows. In a little over a week, I turn 69, an interesting age, to be sure, but as I approach 70, the one thing I know, for sure, is that I want to be less encumbered with stuff. Maybe it's the George Carlin in me, but mostly, I think it's just my need to be free and that's a little hard to do when I'm buried in stuff. So, back to my slackness in writing my blog, etc., I have this deep feeling that I need to simply admit that I'm going through a depressive period of my life. It's been ongoing for quite a while and I thought if I just ignored it and kept on keeping on it would magically go away. Silly me! Anyway, as I go though this process of letting go I feel a strong need to let go of my pretenses and my claims that all is well. All is NOT well! Life is a struggle for me right now and as much as it shames me, it's just the simple truth. And, I wonder why I feel shame, how ridiculous is that? I guess it's my fear of letting people down..people who seem to think I have it all together. I'm so sorry to tell you...I don't. It seems right to share this because there are so many of us in the same place. So, in clearing out my stuff, I'm hoping it's part of the process of clearing out me. I'm so ready to get beyond where I am and rekindle the energy to do what I want to do. Getting back to my blog is a crucial part of the process. I need to get back in touch with my meandering spirit. Thank you for listening. I wish you peace, love, and a bit of chocolate to soothe your soul.