In my last post, I told you about my friend, Stephanie, but didn't want to make it too long by adding these writings from last week. I hesitated in sharing these, not being sure how they would be received, but realize..it doesn't matter..it's not about how they're received..it's about expressing and sharing my heart....my own truth.
Oct. 17: I walked on the beach with my friend today. Yes, I know that according to the mindset of our world, she died this morning, but I’m here to tell you...she was there. Let me explain how it all came about, and then I think you’ll understand.
This morning, I woke up with a pit in my stomach, an ache in my heart and a sense of heaviness throughout my whole being. Many of us woke up with the same feeling because we knew that Stephanie’s life, as we knew it, would end that day. Our collective hearts ached for her and most of all, for her guys.
The morning was hard and heavy and sad. I lit 3 candles...one for John, one for Steph’s boys, and one...it was purple...for Steph. They burned most of the morning and I decided to put them out...first I blew on the two white candles...they went out immediately, but the purple one fought it and sputtered and spat and, finally, the flame did go out, but the smoke continued to hang around for a while. That should have been my first clue.
In the afternoon, I followed my plan to go to the beach so I could feel a connection with Steph and maybe say goodbye. I went to my favorite spot at CB and, as I walked the beach, I was thinking maybe Steph would lead me to a shark’s tooth. All of a sudden, I felt as if I’d been slapped alongside my head and this voice says...WTF are you doing here? Go to Ft. Fisher. And it’s one of those 'duh' moments, you know? That was Steph’s beach, so, of course, I needed to be at Ft. Fisher...what was I thinking???
I get to Ft. Fisher and immediately realize I’m in the right place. Steph was here waiting for me...and she seemed to say...what took you so long? As I walked the beach, I was looking for shark’s teeth and really believing that Steph would help me find at least one. My feeling was that I needed to find a shark’s tooth for Steph.
Funny thing happened....the further I walked, the more I came to understand that it wasn’t about the shark’s tooth....I couldn’t continue her legacy by becoming a super shark tooth finder....or any other special treasure from the sea. It was about paying attention to what I was feeling during this walk.
When I finally got that message, I realized I was smiling, and had been since I got there. It was a happy smile, not just a semi...it’s ok smile. I felt a lightness of heart and soul that I hadn’t felt in such a long time, and I knew...the kind of knowing that goes all the way down to your toes...that I was right where I was supposed to be.
I began to feel Steph in the gentle breeze and the whiry wind that would come and go. I watched her dance in the offshore waves and as I watched the seabirds flying around and playing with the ocean’s waves, I thought I saw Steph riding on their backs. In every sense of the word, my friend was one with the sea. And....why not???? Where else would she be?
And what she said was...I’m free.....it’s all good. So, after a while, I said goodbye, in the worldly way and, in letting her go, I felt no sadness for Steph because I knew she was fine and had finally found her peace. One thing I knew for sure...we never really say goodbye to the people we love.
October 18. I got a message from John saying that Steph was still alive, but was continuing to lose her abiity to breathe...then, a couple hours later, another message that she had died. It was like a second wave of grief because we had all believed that she couldn’t live more than an hour or so without the vent and assumed that she had passed on Monday.
At first, I questioned my experience at the beach the day before, but finally came to understand that the connection with Steph at Ft. Fisher didn’t really have anything to do with the actual state of her phisical being. It was her spirit that was with me and even though her body lay on a bed at Hospice, the part of her that really mattered was already free.
Late that afternoon, I decided to go walk on my beach, which is much closer than Ft. Fisher, but as I drove down the beach road, somehow my car just kept on going right past the turnoff to my beach. I figured Steph was at the wheel again and felt, once again, I was doing just what I was supposed to be doing.
Got to Ft. Fisher and followed my instincts toward the path to the right. The day before I had followed those same instincts and took the path to the left. I hadn’t walked very far when I looked up and right in front of me was John, Matt, Jason, Tim, and Johnnie...Steph’s guys. They were just leaving the beach. I was surprised to see them, thinking they would have been there earlier in the day. But, as John said, where else would we be? And, I thought the same thing myself...where else would I be? So, we shared hugs along with funny and sweet Stephanie stories.
Chance meeting? No way. I knew Steph was directing the whole scene and she was smiling and saying to me...watch out for my guys....and reminding them that they were not alone. They left to go to dinner at Steph’s favorite restaurant and I walked on the beach for a while just soaking in all the peace and love I felt from this encounter. And, I knew one more thing...Steph could finally breathe again...on her own...beside, in and around her special beach.
Stephanie was the real deal...she answered only to her own truth and that was her gift to me down at the beach.....not to find the shark’s teeth, but to find and claim my own truth. I have a feeling that when I forget, she'll find a gentle way to remind me.
Thank you, Steph......you made us all the better for being a part of our lives. Dance in peace, my friend.
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